That is not the F word I had in mind.

This week I was asked to have I am sure what will be the first of several uncomfortable conversations.

I agreed, and then later - I sat on the living room floor sobbing over this year's Christmas decorations. (My daughter was overjoyed in the store picking out all of the glitter, snowflake-induced decorations- I just want to make sure to move the dang Elf- she still believes)

I dislike that I give chance after chance after chance after chance to people.

I wish I could be as ruthless as the villains I see in some of my favorite movies, or how I'm depicted for group impact.

I take a lot. However, when I am done - I am done. (cue Birdman meme)

People confuse key items about me. I am not an extrovert. I am an introvert. Seriously. People exhaust me.

A big confusion when it comes to me is forgiveness vs forgetfulness.

I forgive, I don't forget. I forgive, I don't excuse. I forgive, I don't put myself in a position for a repeat offense.

Unfortunately, I do leave room for reconciliation.

Sometimes we hesitate to forgive because we think it must automatically include reconciliation. These are two separate processes in the TJ world, and one does not always lead to the other.

Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same things.

One person can forgive; it takes two to reconcile.

With God’s help, I have the power to forgive anyone. Wait, that is not true, I have the power to forgive just about anyone. That doesn’t mean that I’m always willing to forgive or that it will be easy. And sometimes a wrong ( to me) is so heinous that it can take the rest of my life to forgive completely. But the possibility is there. My capacity to forgive does not depend on anyone else’s behavior or permission. The person I forgive can ( and in some very real, can tell you their name cases ) continue to be cruel, thoughtless, and relentlessly set against me.

If you know me and the players in my life, then you know.

Forgiveness is a spiritual act, which means that, ultimately, I rely on God’s grace to accomplish it. My own faults and weaknesses will get in the way of my ability to forgive, especially in some situations. In a lot of situations. But whatever I’m lacking, God makes up the difference. At times my need for God’s assistance is acute, when I choose to forgive, my effort does not rely on any other person.

Reconciliation is a multiple-person process. When I reconcile with another person, both of us ( at least for how I walk in the process) must first ask and/or offer forgiveness, and it must go further than that. Both people choose to do whatever it takes to restore the relationship. One person can be completely willing, but if the other person is not willing, reconciliation is not possible. This means that I can forgive someone for damaging our friendship, but perhaps I don’t feel safe enough to resume the friendship that once was. That might happen later, but for now, I will forgive and leave it at that. Or I might forgive and be ready to reconcile, but the other person no longer desires this relationship. Or the other person can forgive me but not want to reconcile, or the other person forgives me but I don’t want to reconcile. It’s worth noting here that some damage occurs in relationships that are out of balance, to begin with, such as a friendship in which one person is needy and the other one always comes to the rescue. In such cases, reconciliation—if it should happen at all—will require a complete reconstruction, and that is only after one or both people have dealt with their individual issues. Reconciliation can be long and painful and messy, but it can also be well worth all the turmoil if the relationship is indeed restored. Sometimes restored relationships are stronger than they were before all the trouble.

Forgiveness is an interior discipline; reconciliation is an outward process.

Forgiveness is a private and ongoing discipline of mind, heart, and soul. Forgiveness is one aspect of an overall posture toward others and life itself. If I am judgmental and vindictive in general, forgiveness will be an awkward and difficult change of direction for me. If I hope to forgive specific wrongs others commit against me, then I should be practicing this very day to look at others with openness and compassion, to be slow to place blame, and to resist seeking revenge.

I practice forgiveness without anyone else knowing what is happening inside me.

I may be ( and have been ) hurt at something another person said, and I know that before I confront that person in any way, I need to choose forgiveness. I might silently work on forgiveness—in my prayer, meditation, an talks with those close to me—for days or weeks without talking directly to the person whose words hurt me so. In some cases, I might go through that private process, realize that the wrong wasn’t as blatant or as intentional as I first thought, and then get over it completely without the other person ever knowing about my struggle.

*stop laughing*

Reconciliation is not private because it must include at least one other person. Sometimes reconciliation includes others as well, such as pastors, mediators, and counselors. When I’m working on reconciliation, of course, I do my interior work, but I must also cooperate with the larger work that involves others’ schedules, personal difficulties, and needs. I may feel a burning desire to have a discussion immediately and try to restore this friendship, but the other person has a lot going on—dealing with family, kids, an ambitious ministry, pressures at work, or health problems—and simply cannot enter such a heavy conversation yet.

Reconciliation is as complicated as the people involved, and it can require more time and patience than forgiveness because of all the moving pieces. Another huge factor in reconciliation is the inclusion—or, intrusion—of other friends and family members. Additional people can provide strength, encouragement, and wisdom. They can also provide more opportunities for arguments, miscommunication, and flawed strategies.

(Church-y ALERT)

Forgiveness can be a moment, however, a reconciliation that has to heal and restore a relationship is often a marathon. After all, isn’t this how God often interacts with us? Our forgiveness is immediate, but our fellowship with Him grows and matures over time.

Even when God forgives our sins, He does not promise to remove all consequences created by our actions. Being forgiven, restored and trusted is an amazing experience, but it’s important for those who hurt others to understand that their attitude and actions will affect the process of rebuilding trust.

I wonder if I need to be slow to reconcile knowing that, forgiveness is possible, but reconciliation is not possible or even a good idea. Sometimes the healthiest thing for two people is distance. We’re commanded by scripture to forgive others, love others and be kind to others; however, nowhere in scripture are we commanded to be friends with everyone. Sometimes the best way to forgive someone else is to say less and pray more, for your own understanding of what's next.

Even when reconciliation is not a reality or possibility, forgiveness is still a must.